Uncertainty

Uncertainty: The lack of certainty, A state of having limited knowledge where it is impossible to exactly describe the existing state, a future outcome, or more than one possible outcome.


It kills me.  From the inside out.  Literally wreaking havoc on my body and mind.  All I want to do is live a normal life, a life without pain, a life without wondering when my next surgery is going to be.  One can't continuously be having surgeries every six months.  It is not healthy for anybody.  But, again, another surgery is a definite possibility for me.


My physiotherapist is more than convinced that my pain and lack of motion is coming directly from within the hip joint.  Lovely.  At my last appointment with my surgeon, he mentioned about removing scar tissue in another surgery, but wanted to see how the exercises faired.  I have been oh-so-faithful in doing all of the prescribed exercises, yet I am stuck.  Furthermore, this waiting-for-a-phone-call game is not so much fun.  I have a tendency to worry about things like this; to over think and worry about the worst possible outcome.  In this case, although I may actually appreciate it if it could provide some relief, it is the possibility of another surgery to clean up scar tissue scares me to death.  I truly don't know how I would ever have it done as I don't have a single day off until next year.  But, I will see what the doc has to say in the next couple of days.  Perhaps we are just watching and waiting, hoping for more healing to occur before we move forward.  In any event, I am so over this waiting game.  I am over having two sore hips. I am over just about everything related to my health.  I feel like the entirety of my twenties will be dealing with trying to get my body fixed up enough to function.


Having said all of this though, I know that I shouldn't be so negative.  I should try to see the cup half full.  Although this is difficult, I know that I am not dying of a serious illness and there are those out there who definitely have it worse than I.  Putting things into perspective is sometimes very difficult as it seems as if the world is caving in around you, when, deep down, you know that it could be a lot worse.  Trying to remain positive and keeping things in perspective is essential.  It's essential for survival and getting through this difficult time.