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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Waiting is the Worst

Many things and possibilities flood my head each and every moment of the day.  The 'what ifs' the 'hows'.  I can't control them. It is taking away from my ability to concentrate on studying. It is only  natural to be nervous about doctor's appointments that change the course of one's life.  I just need this next appointment to be over.  Like yesterday.  I hate wondering what the surgeon is going to say.  Although I have a pretty sound idea of what is going on and what he may want to do to fix my hips.  Regardless, something has to be done.  I cannot go around the way I am currently trying to live.  I can't stand for more than 5 minutes.  And this is NO exaggeration.  I literally have to hang onto things or sit down as both hips feel like they are going to explode from pain.  Bilateral groin pain from the moment I wake in the morning to the moment I go to bed requires great strength and energy to get through the day.  Especially when I am still trying to do my medical school rotations.  I have never been so low (with respect to the hips) in my life.  I can't say that I've ever been in this much pain on a daily basis, with the exception of previous post-op experiences.  Point stands, this sucks.  I can't keep going on much longer; something has to give.  

I am not a complainer, but I am going to tell my surgeon exactly how it is, straight to the point and not sugar-coated at all.  The thing that worries me is that he often books surgery out months in advance.  How am I going to last long enough for this?  Perhaps he can fit me in sooner?  Look at me, already assuming that I'll need surgery.  But, I really don't see any other option: I've had three surgeries on this side already, the last one being a reconstruction, and I still can't flex past 80-90* and have extreme daily pain.  Perhaps he can inject something to help me get through the waiting period.  And my other hip, phew, it is behaving exactly the same as my left did before this surgery. 

I have replayed my upcoming appointment over and over in my head.  And if he says that my right needs fixing also, I will take him up on it.  Heck, if I have to take a year off to get my left all fixed up properly and I'll need the right done sometime as well, might have them both done within months of each other, heal up, put everything I have into rehab and get all functioning again so that I can return to life and medical school functioning and not miserable and in pain.  

Last night I spoke with another lady who had had adhesion removal by Dr. P as well.  Although she is fairly fresh out of surgery, she can already tell that it has worked.  It gave me great hope that one day I will be fixed, it also gives me hope in my surgeon's abilities.  Apparently he has done 6000 hip scopes! Amazing.  THAT is who I want trying to fix me.  Only a handful more days before I get my life and hips sorted out.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Appointment BOOKED!

So after a semi-forceful email to the ATC of Dr. P asking if he could expedite the process of obtaining an appointment, I got a phone call stating that they can fit me in on June 6th at 2:00 pm. I was like yes, count me in.  I'll get in and out in a day!  Not so fast missy!  They want bilateral MRIs done the night before, have an appointment with him on the Wednesday, and then I have to plan on staying until the afternoon the next day because Dr. P will likely want to do something.  When I asked what they said that the surgeon and his ATC would discuss things with the scheduling lady and I would get more information about what to expect during my next appointment.  Kinda sounds like they may try to do something?!  I dunno, the only thing I can think of is a guided injection of sorts?  PRP? Exam under anesthesia? I know one thing, I may be buying flight cancelation insurance just to be safe.  It would be horrible to have flights out of Denver home and not be able to make the flight because I'm unable to drive or something.

All I hope for is some answers.  I can't keep going on through life like this.  I can't stand more than 5 minutes, I can't do anything fun except go home after work and collapse in bed/couch with a heating pad and ice.  I am prepared for him to tell me I need another surgery on each side.  The Naprosyn isn't providing enough relief but when I don't take it I hurt even more.  They said that I could switch to Celebrex to see if that helps.  I am so so so thankful that I have an appointment in two weeks.  It can't come soon enough.  If he says surgery, I say YES!  I am emotionally and physically exhausted and don't have much more to give.  Boy, it does sound desperate, but it is the truth.  On the outside I look fine, but, I am struggling to keep up with life right now.  And it sucks.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Bathing Suit Nightmare

So yeah, I went bathing suit shopping on Friday and, although this is a horrible thing to do in the first place, it is great when you notice just how deformed hips can get after surgery. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my scars (all 13 of them!) but the fact that my hips are two different shapes isn't exactly awesome. I am pretty sure that my surgeon squeezed the fat from the front of my hip and bunched it up on the side when he did took part of my ITB for the new labrum because I have a fat pouch that sticks out significantly to the side. Perhaps I should ask him to suck out some fat the next time he's in there?! Good thing is, I found a suit that hides exactly what I needed hidden ;)

And these two hours of shopping really solidified the fact that I need to do something about these hips.  I cannot function like a normal person at all.  I struggle to do anything on my feet.  So, without a doubt, if he'll operate, I'm IN.  Whole heartedly, I'll take a year off and get my hips fixed.  Period.

Friday, May 18, 2012

When the going gets tough, the tough get going...

...the best we can anyway.

The last week has been utterly draining on so many different levels.  Although I have great work hours, I am so completely exhausted from this pain.  Very hard to deal with the rigors of medical school clerkship and deal with having two bad hips.  All I can say is that I am learning so much about myself.  I am surviving and keep on going despite not being able to stand for more than five minutes.  I hurt all of the time.  Worse than ever.  I don't know why.  I mean, doing medical school and rotations are not helpful for my hips, but I can hardly imagine that being in this amount of pain is normal, despite having major reconstructive surgery almost 6 months ago.  Something has to give.  I don't want to know what.

I emailed my surgeons right hand man yesterday asking if there was something that I could do to help with the pain, his response: are you taking anti-inflammatories.  Yes, yes I am.  I was on 1000mg of Naproxen each day and have gone to 750mg each day.  Of note, I was feeling worse prior to dosing down.  And this Naproxen is just not cutting it.  They could be placebo for all I feel.  Even the Tramadol at night only helps me relax, I still throb.  And I can't take anything stronger as I need to be able to think at work/school all day.

Until now, I have only had one bad hip at a time.  Now, dealing with two bad sides is much more difficult.  I literally don't know what leg to stand on and half the time I lean on counters or sit since I can't stand any more.  I hope that I get to see my surgeon in the near future as this is uncool.  I'm running out of energy and need some help.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Both Sides?

I must get this out.... 'what the heck?'  Both hips are misbehaving at the moment.  Normally my most recently operated hip is more sore than the other, but man alive, I can't decide which one hurts more at the moment.  Not a good sign.  I already know I don't have a labrum on the right side from a previous surgery and I hope and pray that it'll settle down soon and that it is just compensation.  But, deep down, I think I know what is in store for that side as well.

Don't you just hate the fact that you really know inside what is in store, but just prefer to not think about it as a way to deal with the uncertainty and emotions?  I think I know what is in store for my hips, and it sucks.  I've made it so far in school, only one year until I'm a doctor, and now I have to deal with this.  My surgeon hasn't said anything for certain, but I think I know.  I hope I am wrong though.  Miracles happen, right?  With such uncertainty looming, it makes things sometimes difficult to handle.  Especially since I've been dealing with hip pain for 6 years and 4 surgeries later and I am struggling now more than ever.  

I am sitting (more like lying in bed) studying.  I look down at my hips and think: what a journey I have been through so far.  I've learned so many things and seem to be required to keep learning; especially learning patience.  I'm so lucky to have the support of family, hip chicks, and most of all my surgeon.  I'll hold him to his promise that he'll fix me.  No matter how much or how long it takes, I will get my life back.  The hope of this keeps me going and helps me get through painful days like this.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Waiting for Follow-Up

This past week I finally got ahold of Dr. P's ATC and scheduling lady.  She is trying to fit me in for an appointment in early June on a Wednesday.  That's only a couple of weeks away.  As it stands now my left hip is terribly messed up.  The ATC said that he promises that I'll have a thorough evaluation during my next appointment in Vail to determine exactly what is going on and what we need to do about it.  Although he did not come out and say the 's' word, he did elude to the fact that surgery is in fact an option in the future.

There are two problems with having more surgery: a) I have no time off from school and b) my other (right) hip is going downhill FAST.  I feel like this hip deal has spiraled out of control and I have no way of stopping it from consuming my life.  At this point though, I really need to get this fixed so that I can get my life back.  I truly am not functioning well at all.  I can barely stand for more than 5 minutes, nor can I walk for any significant distance.  I was in a store yesterday and could barely do 15 minutes of walking around the store to pick out a birthday present for a three-year-old nephew.  And to think that I used to be a national athlete!

If I had the option to have both hips fixed within a year, I might gladly give up a year and do it.  Taking a year off from med school would not be the end of the world and it might give me the chance at recovering my health.  This is a very difficult time for me with many difficult decisions are on the horizon.  Although many of this is hypothetical, it is a very real possibility.  I know my body, and both hips are not right.  End of story.  I will get them fixed (as per my lengthy discussion with my surgeon at my last appointment), but at what cost?  My hips have taken so much of my life, how much more are they going to take?