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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Waiting is the Worst

Many things and possibilities flood my head each and every moment of the day.  The 'what ifs' the 'hows'.  I can't control them. It is taking away from my ability to concentrate on studying. It is only  natural to be nervous about doctor's appointments that change the course of one's life.  I just need this next appointment to be over.  Like yesterday.  I hate wondering what the surgeon is going to say.  Although I have a pretty sound idea of what is going on and what he may want to do to fix my hips.  Regardless, something has to be done.  I cannot go around the way I am currently trying to live.  I can't stand for more than 5 minutes.  And this is NO exaggeration.  I literally have to hang onto things or sit down as both hips feel like they are going to explode from pain.  Bilateral groin pain from the moment I wake in the morning to the moment I go to bed requires great strength and energy to get through the day.  Especially when I am still trying to do my medical school rotations.  I have never been so low (with respect to the hips) in my life.  I can't say that I've ever been in this much pain on a daily basis, with the exception of previous post-op experiences.  Point stands, this sucks.  I can't keep going on much longer; something has to give.  

I am not a complainer, but I am going to tell my surgeon exactly how it is, straight to the point and not sugar-coated at all.  The thing that worries me is that he often books surgery out months in advance.  How am I going to last long enough for this?  Perhaps he can fit me in sooner?  Look at me, already assuming that I'll need surgery.  But, I really don't see any other option: I've had three surgeries on this side already, the last one being a reconstruction, and I still can't flex past 80-90* and have extreme daily pain.  Perhaps he can inject something to help me get through the waiting period.  And my other hip, phew, it is behaving exactly the same as my left did before this surgery. 

I have replayed my upcoming appointment over and over in my head.  And if he says that my right needs fixing also, I will take him up on it.  Heck, if I have to take a year off to get my left all fixed up properly and I'll need the right done sometime as well, might have them both done within months of each other, heal up, put everything I have into rehab and get all functioning again so that I can return to life and medical school functioning and not miserable and in pain.  

Last night I spoke with another lady who had had adhesion removal by Dr. P as well.  Although she is fairly fresh out of surgery, she can already tell that it has worked.  It gave me great hope that one day I will be fixed, it also gives me hope in my surgeon's abilities.  Apparently he has done 6000 hip scopes! Amazing.  THAT is who I want trying to fix me.  Only a handful more days before I get my life and hips sorted out.

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