Dumped

Yes, I've essentially been dumped by my surgeon and his team.  Unfortunately, despite having continued pain, I was told today that they would only give me 30 more pills of Voltaren and then would have to go on a "drug holiday" Yes, you read it correctly, a freaking "drug holiday" from anti-inflammatories despite being completely asymptomatic and taking a PPI.  I fail to understand the logic as they are currently the only doctors I see in the US!  My current family doctor is here at home refuses to prescribe me any medications for my hip as he is "not managing it."  My hip surgeon's team keeps telling me to "hang in there and things will get better" while I am barely managing through the day on my anti-inflammatory, and now they want me to wean off and not take anything despite me continuing to hurt.  I'm confused.  It isn't like I am asking for a narcotic of any sort.

So, I am left in limbo, with a family doctor who won't prescribe me anything for my hip and a hip surgeon (PA actually) who won't give me any more medications.  I'm peeved to say the least.  I suppose I need to find a family doctor or a sports med doctor or a pain management doctor who would be willing to work with me to get me the correct medications to help me get through medical school on my feet with a hip that is less than ideal.

2 Weeks Into School Again -___-

I still can't believe the fact that I am back on rotations and being on my feet.  Nobody at the place even cares that I have been off...they are all too busy and we all have way to much to do to.  I realize that nobody really cares, but me having to sit when I can and hanging on the countertops really does stink. In all honesty it is horrendous on my hip that I had done in June.  I am throbbing by noon.  I hate to complain, but wow oh wow, returning back to life as a medical student isn't all laughs and giggles.  I had anticipated this would be difficult, but did not expect it to be so painful.

The pain actually has me slightly worried.  I am currently on Diclofenac (Voltaren) and it works alright but, as mentioned, can't make it past noon.  And evenings really hurt.  Like almost-need-a-pain-med hurt.  A friend gave me some of their left over Vicodin (shhh) so I take a half a pill sometimes.  I wonder how much pain would be normal at this point? I was told that I should see improvements within the next 3 months.  I have a LOT of healing to do to be considered a successful surgery.  Dare I even consider another surgery? It makes me nauseous thinking of the possibilities.

On the other hand, my psoas has started firing more easily and getting in and out of the car and I can almost get my socks on normally.  Not quite, but alllllmost there! And my bursitis is settling down.  So those small improvements have to be focused on and celebrated. 

Survived on Week of School

Well, not a full week...rather four days and now I get four days off.  It was a gift from God having my doctor have his kids off from school for Friday and Monday!  Because of this I got a very long weekend and my body was extremely thankful for this.  I can survived to about noon and then the throbbing starts.  My right side is holding up amazingly well, no joint pain at all, yes some swelling on the lateral hip, but nothing that a little ice-pack can't help.  My left side is another story.  It hurts.  A lot. I think I've established my concern with my left hip, and now I don't know what to think.

I received my operative reports this past week and it states that I have left hip dysplasia with a 'very shallow anterior wall'.  Forgive me if I am over-reacting, but the fact that my MRI notes say my CE angle is 20, 21, or 24 degrees (depending on positioning) and I still hurt does plant a small seed of concern about this 'borderline' dysplasia in the back of my mind.  I will give it 12 months before I start to get really concerned, but the facts line up to cause concern.

I feel like this hip journey goes on and on and on and on.  I'm totally over it.  I'm back at school and don't feel like my body likes it very much.  In fact, I am pretty sure it (being mostly my left hip) detests me being back on my feet.  I'm so frustrated I could scream.  And I feel almost embarrassed to say how much I hurt.  My family and friends just don't get it. How could they?  I do hint to my mum that my hip still hurts, and I think she gets it, but nobody else knows nor cares.  It's really weird to bring it up to anybody anymore.  Frankly after six hip surgeries, how much more hips can people take.  So, I make a conscious effort to not bring it up to friends and family.  I'm over it and so is everybody else.  Now my leftie needs to figure out that everybody is over him and it is now his turn to join Mrs. Rightie on the other side of hip pain.

I H.U.R.T.

Yup.  I do.  No question 'bout it.  I hurt.  Period.  Boo.  Hiss.  Uncool.  Bummer.  Thumbs down.  Sux.  Yuck.  Ick.  Blah.  Barf.  Etc.

You know, when I made the decision...erm...correction, when my surgeon essentially forced me to stop medical school (which WAS the right decision)...I thought that when my 8 months off and my surgeries were done, that I would be hopping along ready to jump back into life again. Well...this isn't exactly how it has panned out.  Don't get me wrong, I am better than I was when I stopped medical school, but I still darn tooting hurt.  My right hip is amazing!  I am in love with it.  Seriously, it feels like an elbow: no pain, full ROM, no clicking, pure joy.

My left hip is still icky.  After getting fed up these last couple of weeks I called the PA and asked what we should be doing differently.  I got some Voltaren because, in his opinion, my hip flexor is ticked off and causing pain.  The ROM reduction he described as the lactic acid build up thus reducing my flexion to decrease.  We are working the posterior chain, more pool, and NSAIDs and seeing how it goes.  Honestly, the Voltaren does help, but not for the full day.  I am still aware of the pain in my hip 24/7, but the Voltaren takes off some of the edge of the throbbing.

Frankly, something I would rather not have to still be dealing with after being off so long.  I realize I have had so many surgeries on this left side and still has room for improvement, but life is starting back up again and I still hurt.  I can't believe that I am still throbbing all of the time.  I also can't complain to my family anymore.  They keep telling me that I need to build up my strength, do more work, be on my feet more, get better.  I feel like they keep telling me this because I am going back to school that I should be better.  I should stop thinking or worrying about my hips.  At this point, I AM worried about how I will hold up on my feet all day.  I NEED some normalcy in life again and returning back to rotations will help mentally, physically, we will just have to wait and see.  It's just tough because everybody around me expects me to be better now.  I am still dealing with a lot of pain and simply don't vocalize it anymore.  Just because I start back to school doesn't mean I miraculously heal.  *sigh*

PS: my next posting will be much more positive.  I just needed to vent to my cyber-space....I'm actually not sure if very many people actually read the crap I put down.

Patience, Patience

I try, I really do, to be patient.  The surgeon says I need time...so here's to time healing all wounds!  I continue to plug through this hip journey.  Regardless how I feel, I am trying to remain positive and have things to look forward to that are not, in any way, shape, or form, related to hips.  Although I basically detail my hip journey on these posts, I really try not to let my hips dictate my every thought and activity.  This is definitely easier said than done.  I truly believe that keeping a level head and forcing myself to do things that are not related to my health is extremely important.  I feel like it is so easy for a journey like this, chronic in nature, to become who we are, dictate everything we talk about and everything we think about.  We are more than our hips.  We are more than our pain.   I'm not minimizing the fact that bad hips (or any other chronic illness or that matter) really does dictate how we live our lives, but keeping things in perspective and remember that I am not completely my hips; they are only a part of who I am is essential.  I am a daughter, sister, friend, medical student.  I have been surviving my chronic pain for six years now, and over this time I have been in contact with some amazing people.  Having seen many perspectives on similar situations, it amazes me as to how people cope differently.  I know that everybody has to do what works for themselves, it is just interesting to me how people respond to health challenges.

I am currently trying to put the pieces together to return to school.  I am scheduled for rotations to start Feb. 18th and I am ecstatic about this.  I still have two required rotations:  Emergency Medicine and General Surgery in addition to two electives (of my choosing).  Since I have to do General Surgery before I do Emergency Medicine and because I cannot just hop back into rotations in my current stage of healing, I have asked to begin with an office rotation (most likely Family Medicine).  Although the details are still being worked out, I am pumped to start having a schedule and be moving forward with life.  Deep down inside, I am scared to see how my body will hold up because my left hip still throbs the majority of the day (especially if I do any sort of physical activity--cleaning, swimming).  God know what is in store for me and I completely trust what He is doing with my life.  Even when I am scared and sore, He is there for comfort and courage.  For that I am thankful.

Since I have been hurting more lately, I have been in contact with the head PT dude in Vail.  We have been talking, on average, once a week.  I am truly impressed because I feel that he truly cares about me feeling better.  We are adjusting exercises according to pain levels.  This and keeping in regular contact really help me feel like I am trying what I can to get this pain under control while gaining strength bilaterally.  I have been instructed to reduce my Naprosyn to only 220mg BID.  Ugh.  But, I have began something that I had read on Facebook:  Golden Milk created with turmeric paste.  At first I was leary:  turmeric paste, almond milk, sesame seed oil and honey.  I could barely gag it down for the first few days.  When I removed the honey and added a dash of cinnamon, it was muuuuuuch better.  So I drink a cup of milk with a heaping teaspoon of the paste.  It really isn't that bad and it is supposed to be anti-inflammatory in nature.  I'm not sure how much different I feel while drinking this every day.  But it is inexpensive and I am willing to try anything at this point in the game.  While speaking of foods, I am trying to eat more healthy too.  Not necessarily starving myself, but counting my calories so that I remain at my current weight.  Having a visual representation of the foods I eat really is an eye opening thing.  I must have been eating SO MUCH before I was recording my food/calories!  I'm surprised I'm not 200 pounds.

Happy One Year---and still recovering

I actually began this posting a couple of days ago, but never got around to finishing it and so it sat in my drafts for days.  Anyway, the updating continues:

Jan. 5th marked my one year hipiversary for my first left hip surgery with Dr. P.  I can't actually believe a year ago I was getting ready for my third hip scope and my first surgery with the 'king'.  That surgery was problematic from the get-go.  And I am glad that we have potentially fixed this hip.  He had to do another surgery on it in June and I am still trying to get relief.  I was told that it could take another six months before things settled down enough to see any appreciable improvements since I've had four surgeries on it.  So, I await.  I am not going to lie, I am much better than I was before my last surgery, just not pain-free.  This, I think, will come with time.

I am having a difficult time remaining positive and hopeful.  I know I have to trust what the doctor says, but I've had so much go wrong.  And to make matters worse, I am starting the fight of a lifetime with my insurance company with respect to coverage.  They are denying me coverage even though I checked with them before I signed up for the policy.  My school is being amazing and advocating for me, but this is NOT what I want to do now.

On a happier note, I have a very dear friend coming to visit next week.  It will be epic!  I can't wait.  That lifts my spirits and makes me happy.  Plus I am beginning my preparations to return to school, which is also very exciting.  Some sort of a normal life will be very good for my emotional health.  It is just not normal to sit around in the house all day.  Mind you, sipping on coffee and lounging around in the mornings isn't exactly hard to swallow.  Albeit a very abnormal thing to do.  So here's to a new year filled with less pain, less surgery, more happiness and health!!!

Happy New Year!

I am thoroughly happy to say that I have made it through 2012, and I am still in one piece!  Woohoo.  After three surgeries, having to stop school, and numerous physical and emotional struggles, I made it.  2012 has changed me as a person (I hope for the better) and I look forward to returning back to a normal life of productive and meaningful activities this year.  In 6 weeks I will return to school.  I am excited/nervous about this, but I do really need to return to a somewhat normal lifestyle because sitting around at home is not very healthy for anybody.

I haven't updated in a while, and it is simply because I have been too busy.  I took my second board exam on Dec. 17th and then went out to Vail the next three days for a follow-up, then Christmas came, after that got some horrendous insurance news that could literally ruin my financial life (more about this plight later), and then New Years just crept up and went without any update.

On the hip front, things may be getting a bit better.  Any progress is progress, right?  My left hip still has pain and limited ROM (about 100 degrees of flexion) and a very weak psoas, and bursitis.  While my right hip is almost pain free (just dealing with soft tissue swelling and a bit of a pinch with internal rotation).  After an intra-articular and a bursa injection, Dr. P thinks that in 6 months or so I should have my hips all settled down and not need more hip surgery.  The longevity of the hips cannot be determined as they really don't know, but at this point, I have no activity restrictions and I should heal up nicely.  I really do hope he's right because I barely have any tangible results on my left side.  It is exciting though.

It was very anticlimactic, I have worked so hard to be able to have these surgeries and make it happen, we have had so many struggles.  During my appointment he had his mind up that I was all better even before he examined me.  He wasn't even going to look or touch my left hip without me having to basically force him to.  It was a weird appointment and a little disappointing.  He's done three surgeries in 9 months on me and he kind of just waved me off.  It just happened so quickly and that was it...over, done, never have to go back.

On the insurance front, I am terrified and scared.  I really am frightened that having this last surgery may have ruined my financial future for years to come.  I just got a letter from the insurance company stating that I am not eligible for my policy because I wasn't an 'active' student for the first 30 days of the policy.  Ok, technically I wasn't actively participating in class, but I am enrolled and my school requires me to have health insurance with this particular carrier.  And now the insurance company says I can't have insurance.  This is very concerning as the bills for the last surgery are at $90K now and I apparently don't have insurance.  This is NOT what I was told, I had called the insurance company and my school before purchasing the policy.  In fact, I called my school and asked if I needed to return back to school for a month to qualify for insurance and they said that it would be silly that they would write letters and ensure that I get insurance.  Well, apparently their initial letter did not suffice and I am facing having to self pay for my surgery.  This option is horrifying as I simply cannot pay for bills of this magnitude.  I would have to file bankruptcy before I could pay these bills.  I have a sinking feeling all of the time and cannot stop thinking about the mess I have got myself into.  I know I could have problems with insurance, but I would have never had major surgery if I thought that being on medical leave would null my ability to qualify for insurance.  I was led to believe that this was not going to be any problem at all by my school.  I really have a sense of impending doom.  I am trying to keep calm, think straight, and not draw any conclusions until I speak with my school and appeal the initial decision of voiding my insurance all together.

If you've made it this far through the post, I beg you, please pray about my situation.  Each and every prayer helps.  I do believe in miracles, and I hope that I get one that will help me through this difficult time.  Just when I got news that I am done with surgery, the fight continues in a different form.  I do think it will work out, although it may be VERY difficult for me in the future, I have faith and that is what keeps me sane.