Uncertainty

Uncertainty: The lack of certainty, A state of having limited knowledge where it is impossible to exactly describe the existing state, a future outcome, or more than one possible outcome.


It kills me.  From the inside out.  Literally wreaking havoc on my body and mind.  All I want to do is live a normal life, a life without pain, a life without wondering when my next surgery is going to be.  One can't continuously be having surgeries every six months.  It is not healthy for anybody.  But, again, another surgery is a definite possibility for me.


My physiotherapist is more than convinced that my pain and lack of motion is coming directly from within the hip joint.  Lovely.  At my last appointment with my surgeon, he mentioned about removing scar tissue in another surgery, but wanted to see how the exercises faired.  I have been oh-so-faithful in doing all of the prescribed exercises, yet I am stuck.  Furthermore, this waiting-for-a-phone-call game is not so much fun.  I have a tendency to worry about things like this; to over think and worry about the worst possible outcome.  In this case, although I may actually appreciate it if it could provide some relief, it is the possibility of another surgery to clean up scar tissue scares me to death.  I truly don't know how I would ever have it done as I don't have a single day off until next year.  But, I will see what the doc has to say in the next couple of days.  Perhaps we are just watching and waiting, hoping for more healing to occur before we move forward.  In any event, I am so over this waiting game.  I am over having two sore hips. I am over just about everything related to my health.  I feel like the entirety of my twenties will be dealing with trying to get my body fixed up enough to function.


Having said all of this though, I know that I shouldn't be so negative.  I should try to see the cup half full.  Although this is difficult, I know that I am not dying of a serious illness and there are those out there who definitely have it worse than I.  Putting things into perspective is sometimes very difficult as it seems as if the world is caving in around you, when, deep down, you know that it could be a lot worse.  Trying to remain positive and keeping things in perspective is essential.  It's essential for survival and getting through this difficult time.

We Have a Game Plan?

So I am currently confused as I didn't know we had a game plan for my hip! Two days ago I called Dr. P's office to schedule a follow-up appointment as I was told to make it for the beginning of June. Well, I left a message with the lady who does the scheduling for appointments and she had returned my call but left me a message stating that I needed to talk with somebody who works directly with Dr. P to get our game plan in place for my left hip. I didn't know we had one! I mean, I wouldn't be crushed if they said to have another surgery since I am pretty sore these days, but it definitely threw me for a loop. I thought it was a mistake, but then I got a call (and a message) from the athletic trainer of the surgeon stating that we have to discuss how my hip is feeling. *stomach flip*

I called back today, but couldn't get a hold of the guy who had called me. Now I have to wait all weekend to hear back from him and discuss what is next. I wish I had better news for him. I wish I could say that I am feeling much better since the last time I was at the clinic. Alas, I am stuck in pain and with a significant lack of ROM. This roller coaster never seems to end!

Bruises and Taping

Bruises:

I am now currently taking 1000mg of Naprosyn each day. I've noticed extreme bruising and some increased heartburn. Not cool since these pills could be sugar for all I notice; no better than placebo!

Taping:

I went to PT today where I relearned how to sit in a chair and stand up straight. Since I hyperextend so much, I am now supposed to tape the back of my knees to prevent them from bending in the opposite direction. We hope this will prevent some anterior pressure on the hips as well. It is really odd to walk around with your knees feeling bent! I feel like a robot!

Drugs, Drugs, and More Drugs

I've never been on constant medication besides 200mg of Aleve BID until now. Nowadays, I feel like I am constantly making sure that I have taken my medication. I am on two different medications which I have to take two times each day, not within two hours of any Ca, Fe, Mg. That means to juice in the morning for me! Plus, if I don't take these medications in the morning with a substantial amount of food (ie two pieces of toast, two eggs, etc.) I'll throw up within 30 minutes of taking them. I have never been much of a breakfast person, but constantly throwing up in the AM will def make one want to eat breakfast to prevent this from happening. Even if I have a breakfast on the lighter side of things, I still get extremely nauseous, sigh.

To add onto this, I have a cream to put on my hip four times a day. Yes, this means that I have to bring it to the hospital with me and put it on at my lunch. I look super cool, "excuse me, I need to go and put some cream on my butt, hip, and groin!" Awkward. I try to keep it on the down low. I've only used it last night and today. I haven't noticed any difference yet. Except my skin on which I apply the cream feels as if it is plastic. Very odd sensation! Not any pain reduction yet, but I assume that it should take a little while to start to work. I am relying on this cream to help stop the vicious pain cycle in which I am currently stuck. Not only so I can function, but so that we can figure out if my hip has a mechanical block by allowing my muscles to relax enough to allow my hip to move as far as it can. We are hoping full ROM returns. I have a gut feeling that I have scar tissue build up, but I am not going to focus on the pessimistic side and, rather, focus on trying to stay positive as this cream really does give me a chance to avoid surgery.

Here's to plastic-feeling hips & optimism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 3 Ps: Pain, Peroids, Problems

So this post may be TMI, but this whole chronic pain and generally not feeling well really wreaks havoc on the body's homeostasis. Since my surgery on January 5th my periods have been all messed up. I am usually extremely regular except for the month of my surgery (from past experience) but this time my body has freaked out. In 8 weeks I had had three cycles and since the last one about a month ago, I feel like I am at the very beginning of my cycle. Every day I have the mild cramping/bleeding. I know that it is not abnormal for thing like this to be altered after having surgery. But almost four months out and I am still having severe effects definitely caught my attention. I am not too worried about it and will bring it up at my next physical, which is a month away. But I just thought that I'd write about it since I am sure that some of you women out there have experienced this as well. Often times these things aren't discussed on forums/support groups.

Anywho, I'm still hanging in on this terrible fight of me vs. left hip. He seems to be winning at the moment. But am thoroughly looking forward to getting my anethetic cream tomorrow!!! Here's hoping it breaks my pain cycle.

I had to email my surgeon's ATC regarding my progress (they want weekly updates) I had been putting it off since I didn't want to email that I am feeling crappy and I hurt more than I did before. But when I realized that the significant increase in Naprosyn dosage didn't do a darn thing for me, I thought I should let them know. I don't expect a response as there really isn't anything for them to do. But I'll continue to be a good patient and continue to send them weekly progress emails as requested.

80 Days Post Op

I had a count down on my iPhone that kept track of the time I had until my surgery and now it is counting my post-op days. I can't believe that I am now 80 days post op!! Craziness. It feels just like yesterday when I was looking at my app and it read 90 days until my surgery. Wow. I wish I could say that things are all hunky-dory, but not so. I am still struggling with everyday tasks. I am no longer on crutches, but I still walk with a bit of a limp. I can do stairs and generally do everything, but feel miserable most of the time. One thing I can't do is sit at my kitchen table to eat (we have stools without backs and it requires 90* of flexion to sit in them and eat....just not gonna happen). I also can't cut/paint my toe nails, nor can I put on socks normally. I have adapted a method to put on socks on my own, it is just a bit painful and awkward looking. But hey, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Looking back to before surgery, I had such hope and anticipation. Oh how I wish I could will my hip to begin to feel better. I feel like I have stalled for a month or so. In fact, both hips are a bit more angry since before my Vail follow-up. I think it is from the surgeon moving my hips more than they like to go. I am still waiting for anesthetic cream. I hope it comes soon as I really need something to break this pain cycle. Currently, I am still worse than before my surgery. I feel that every surgery I have it makes me worse. Each time I can't imagine things getting worse, yet they always seem to do. It is so frustrating to feel like there is no end in sight. I hope my new exercises kick in soon as I don't know how I would fit in another surgery (or two if my other hip doesn't start behaving himself!). I go through waves of uncertainty and worry. I absolutely know I am paranoid about my hips feeling this crappy, but, man alive! I've even had dreams (rather nightmares) about me having more surgeries. I realize that Dr. P hasn't said anything definitively yet, but the idea that further surgery is a possibility is disheartening. But, if I don't start to feel better soon, and if I do need more surgery, the break from school (probably a year) would be a welcomed break. I am having a VERY hard time keeping up and enjoying life. I would consider myself to be a relatively upbeat person, but lately I feel so stuck. Stuck in pain, not even wanting to move, putting on a smile each day despite feeling like this; it is exhausting. I really need to get over this and on with life.

Here's hoping that my OPERATION HIP FLEXION starts to progress. My hip flexion is still stuck at 95* and no pain improvement.

Enough

Forgive me, I am tired, but, enough is enough. I keep waiting for one day, just one day of having a 'good hip day'. Each day I wait and it doesn't happen. I am sick and tired of feeling like this. I can't even stand for five minutes at the moment without feeling like I am about to collapse, yet I must keep on functioning.

I realize self-pity doesn't help anybody or anything any good, but goodness gracious I need to vent and, Lord knows, everybody around me is tired of hearing about me and my hips.

I. am. so. over. hips.