One Day at a Time

I am trying to remain positive and am currently taking one day at a time.  This is easier at some times than others.  If I am honest, I am extremely happy that I have my right side pain free.  It is a dream and I am extremely thankful for the relief.  This has provided me with one side on which to stand for the majority of my day on my feet.  I try to sit when I can, but this is nearly impossible on the rotation that I am currently completing.  I try to count my blessings, I really do, but sometimes it is very difficult especially when one hip has constant pain and reduced ROM.  It seems that pain and hips decide on what I can and cannot do; which is annoying.  Having said this, I realize that there are many other people who have it a lot worse and I am not as bad as I was before (at least now that I have one decent hip).  God gave me so many blessings in my life and I need to be thankful and acknowledge them more often...especially here on my blog where I tend to vent my frustrations and fears. 

I have learned many things throughout my hip journey.  I have met amazing people and realized who will support me and encourage me through thick and thin.  I am blessed.  Also because of my hips, I have chosen a completely different field of medicine than what I had originally planned before all the surgeries last year.  I think that because of my hips, I will be better in my field and be a better physician.  I understand the chronicity of pain and the social, mental, emotional, and physical tolls it takes on an individual.  Pain is so multifaceted that it is hard to empathize with patients dealing with chronic pain if you haven't experienced it.  I am thankful for the guidance the Lord has given me on choosing my career and will definitely do the best with what I have been given.  Bum hip and all!

Calmed Down A Bit

Yeah, I've calmed down some since writing my last post.  I truly believe that I need to get my act together and become more positive.  Everybody keeps telling me how positive I am during the last phase of my life, though deep down (and apparently on my blog) I am a Debbie Downer.  I need to get my act together and become more positive and focus on the great things in life.  I am truly blessed in life.  I have my health (except for my orthopaedic issues), I have an amazing family, I am doing what I want in life and will have an amazing career of my dreams when I am done with school.  These are things that I must be thankful for and not forget that I have them. It is too easy to focus on the chronic pain, the things I can't do, the things decisions I have to make all because of my hips.  They truly do impact life and make me who I am, but they should not take over and make me miserable.  Although I have to acknowledge that I have this pain and may have to do something about it in the future, I have to realize I have an amazing support system.  All family and virtual friends have been amazing through this journey.  I will most certainly keep the friendships I have made through this journey for the rest of my life.  I am blessed (even blessed with bad hips!).

I am contemplating going to see a pain management doctor or a sports medicine doctor who may be able to prescribe me some medications that would help me get through my day.  I would be grateful for a way to get through my day (or the majority of it) without hurting.  I am usually throbbing my noon whilst on Voltaren.  We will see what I decide.  I am doing a physiatry rotation beginning next week and may ask the doctor for a recommendation for a doctor that may be able to help me.

Dumped

Yes, I've essentially been dumped by my surgeon and his team.  Unfortunately, despite having continued pain, I was told today that they would only give me 30 more pills of Voltaren and then would have to go on a "drug holiday" Yes, you read it correctly, a freaking "drug holiday" from anti-inflammatories despite being completely asymptomatic and taking a PPI.  I fail to understand the logic as they are currently the only doctors I see in the US!  My current family doctor is here at home refuses to prescribe me any medications for my hip as he is "not managing it."  My hip surgeon's team keeps telling me to "hang in there and things will get better" while I am barely managing through the day on my anti-inflammatory, and now they want me to wean off and not take anything despite me continuing to hurt.  I'm confused.  It isn't like I am asking for a narcotic of any sort.

So, I am left in limbo, with a family doctor who won't prescribe me anything for my hip and a hip surgeon (PA actually) who won't give me any more medications.  I'm peeved to say the least.  I suppose I need to find a family doctor or a sports med doctor or a pain management doctor who would be willing to work with me to get me the correct medications to help me get through medical school on my feet with a hip that is less than ideal.

2 Weeks Into School Again -___-

I still can't believe the fact that I am back on rotations and being on my feet.  Nobody at the place even cares that I have been off...they are all too busy and we all have way to much to do to.  I realize that nobody really cares, but me having to sit when I can and hanging on the countertops really does stink. In all honesty it is horrendous on my hip that I had done in June.  I am throbbing by noon.  I hate to complain, but wow oh wow, returning back to life as a medical student isn't all laughs and giggles.  I had anticipated this would be difficult, but did not expect it to be so painful.

The pain actually has me slightly worried.  I am currently on Diclofenac (Voltaren) and it works alright but, as mentioned, can't make it past noon.  And evenings really hurt.  Like almost-need-a-pain-med hurt.  A friend gave me some of their left over Vicodin (shhh) so I take a half a pill sometimes.  I wonder how much pain would be normal at this point? I was told that I should see improvements within the next 3 months.  I have a LOT of healing to do to be considered a successful surgery.  Dare I even consider another surgery? It makes me nauseous thinking of the possibilities.

On the other hand, my psoas has started firing more easily and getting in and out of the car and I can almost get my socks on normally.  Not quite, but alllllmost there! And my bursitis is settling down.  So those small improvements have to be focused on and celebrated. 

Survived on Week of School

Well, not a full week...rather four days and now I get four days off.  It was a gift from God having my doctor have his kids off from school for Friday and Monday!  Because of this I got a very long weekend and my body was extremely thankful for this.  I can survived to about noon and then the throbbing starts.  My right side is holding up amazingly well, no joint pain at all, yes some swelling on the lateral hip, but nothing that a little ice-pack can't help.  My left side is another story.  It hurts.  A lot. I think I've established my concern with my left hip, and now I don't know what to think.

I received my operative reports this past week and it states that I have left hip dysplasia with a 'very shallow anterior wall'.  Forgive me if I am over-reacting, but the fact that my MRI notes say my CE angle is 20, 21, or 24 degrees (depending on positioning) and I still hurt does plant a small seed of concern about this 'borderline' dysplasia in the back of my mind.  I will give it 12 months before I start to get really concerned, but the facts line up to cause concern.

I feel like this hip journey goes on and on and on and on.  I'm totally over it.  I'm back at school and don't feel like my body likes it very much.  In fact, I am pretty sure it (being mostly my left hip) detests me being back on my feet.  I'm so frustrated I could scream.  And I feel almost embarrassed to say how much I hurt.  My family and friends just don't get it. How could they?  I do hint to my mum that my hip still hurts, and I think she gets it, but nobody else knows nor cares.  It's really weird to bring it up to anybody anymore.  Frankly after six hip surgeries, how much more hips can people take.  So, I make a conscious effort to not bring it up to friends and family.  I'm over it and so is everybody else.  Now my leftie needs to figure out that everybody is over him and it is now his turn to join Mrs. Rightie on the other side of hip pain.

I H.U.R.T.

Yup.  I do.  No question 'bout it.  I hurt.  Period.  Boo.  Hiss.  Uncool.  Bummer.  Thumbs down.  Sux.  Yuck.  Ick.  Blah.  Barf.  Etc.

You know, when I made the decision...erm...correction, when my surgeon essentially forced me to stop medical school (which WAS the right decision)...I thought that when my 8 months off and my surgeries were done, that I would be hopping along ready to jump back into life again. Well...this isn't exactly how it has panned out.  Don't get me wrong, I am better than I was when I stopped medical school, but I still darn tooting hurt.  My right hip is amazing!  I am in love with it.  Seriously, it feels like an elbow: no pain, full ROM, no clicking, pure joy.

My left hip is still icky.  After getting fed up these last couple of weeks I called the PA and asked what we should be doing differently.  I got some Voltaren because, in his opinion, my hip flexor is ticked off and causing pain.  The ROM reduction he described as the lactic acid build up thus reducing my flexion to decrease.  We are working the posterior chain, more pool, and NSAIDs and seeing how it goes.  Honestly, the Voltaren does help, but not for the full day.  I am still aware of the pain in my hip 24/7, but the Voltaren takes off some of the edge of the throbbing.

Frankly, something I would rather not have to still be dealing with after being off so long.  I realize I have had so many surgeries on this left side and still has room for improvement, but life is starting back up again and I still hurt.  I can't believe that I am still throbbing all of the time.  I also can't complain to my family anymore.  They keep telling me that I need to build up my strength, do more work, be on my feet more, get better.  I feel like they keep telling me this because I am going back to school that I should be better.  I should stop thinking or worrying about my hips.  At this point, I AM worried about how I will hold up on my feet all day.  I NEED some normalcy in life again and returning back to rotations will help mentally, physically, we will just have to wait and see.  It's just tough because everybody around me expects me to be better now.  I am still dealing with a lot of pain and simply don't vocalize it anymore.  Just because I start back to school doesn't mean I miraculously heal.  *sigh*

PS: my next posting will be much more positive.  I just needed to vent to my cyber-space....I'm actually not sure if very many people actually read the crap I put down.

Patience, Patience

I try, I really do, to be patient.  The surgeon says I need time...so here's to time healing all wounds!  I continue to plug through this hip journey.  Regardless how I feel, I am trying to remain positive and have things to look forward to that are not, in any way, shape, or form, related to hips.  Although I basically detail my hip journey on these posts, I really try not to let my hips dictate my every thought and activity.  This is definitely easier said than done.  I truly believe that keeping a level head and forcing myself to do things that are not related to my health is extremely important.  I feel like it is so easy for a journey like this, chronic in nature, to become who we are, dictate everything we talk about and everything we think about.  We are more than our hips.  We are more than our pain.   I'm not minimizing the fact that bad hips (or any other chronic illness or that matter) really does dictate how we live our lives, but keeping things in perspective and remember that I am not completely my hips; they are only a part of who I am is essential.  I am a daughter, sister, friend, medical student.  I have been surviving my chronic pain for six years now, and over this time I have been in contact with some amazing people.  Having seen many perspectives on similar situations, it amazes me as to how people cope differently.  I know that everybody has to do what works for themselves, it is just interesting to me how people respond to health challenges.

I am currently trying to put the pieces together to return to school.  I am scheduled for rotations to start Feb. 18th and I am ecstatic about this.  I still have two required rotations:  Emergency Medicine and General Surgery in addition to two electives (of my choosing).  Since I have to do General Surgery before I do Emergency Medicine and because I cannot just hop back into rotations in my current stage of healing, I have asked to begin with an office rotation (most likely Family Medicine).  Although the details are still being worked out, I am pumped to start having a schedule and be moving forward with life.  Deep down inside, I am scared to see how my body will hold up because my left hip still throbs the majority of the day (especially if I do any sort of physical activity--cleaning, swimming).  God know what is in store for me and I completely trust what He is doing with my life.  Even when I am scared and sore, He is there for comfort and courage.  For that I am thankful.

Since I have been hurting more lately, I have been in contact with the head PT dude in Vail.  We have been talking, on average, once a week.  I am truly impressed because I feel that he truly cares about me feeling better.  We are adjusting exercises according to pain levels.  This and keeping in regular contact really help me feel like I am trying what I can to get this pain under control while gaining strength bilaterally.  I have been instructed to reduce my Naprosyn to only 220mg BID.  Ugh.  But, I have began something that I had read on Facebook:  Golden Milk created with turmeric paste.  At first I was leary:  turmeric paste, almond milk, sesame seed oil and honey.  I could barely gag it down for the first few days.  When I removed the honey and added a dash of cinnamon, it was muuuuuuch better.  So I drink a cup of milk with a heaping teaspoon of the paste.  It really isn't that bad and it is supposed to be anti-inflammatory in nature.  I'm not sure how much different I feel while drinking this every day.  But it is inexpensive and I am willing to try anything at this point in the game.  While speaking of foods, I am trying to eat more healthy too.  Not necessarily starving myself, but counting my calories so that I remain at my current weight.  Having a visual representation of the foods I eat really is an eye opening thing.  I must have been eating SO MUCH before I was recording my food/calories!  I'm surprised I'm not 200 pounds.