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Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sometimes People Just Don't Understand

I am now 60 days post op and have completed two weeks of my rotations in the hospital. To say the least, it has been extremely difficult. I have been having to do 12-13 hour days. I am able to walk without crutches now, so I basically walk unaided but I don't go far without sitting down. I make sure I sit down to write my notes, I sit down when I interview patients, I sit down in endoscopy to watch the procedures. So, I do a lot of sitting. Plus, we always take the elevator so I don't have to granny-walk the stairs. The staff have been pretty nice, but, I got a lot more understanding when I was using my crutches, so many people think that since I am walking on my own that I am feeling all better. I would beg to differ.

I believe that I am functionally improving. My gait is less Trendelenburg ridden, as well, I am able to go down stairs one at a time now. These are improvements. Despite these, I sincerely don't feel much better at all. My pain levels are increased and my swelling has severely increased. It looks like I have grown a third butt cheek. This makes wearing dress clothes difficult since I have a pooch of swelling hanging off my side. This inflammation is not doing me any good, but I don't really see another option. I have to continue on with school and I can't just magically make my hip feel better. The struggle continues. Thinking about having to go back into the hospital tomorrow makes my stomach hurt.

I feel horrible that I have no energy and, frankly, can't care about what I am learning since all I care about is being able to walk and not cry in pain at the end of the day. It is a rough road, and I really don't think that many people can understand what it is like for life to continue on and you just have to scramble to keep up. I can't keep complaining to my parents, I just wish that somebody in my physical life could understand. I know I have great support from fellow hip chicks, but wouldn't it be wonderful to have a coffee or dinner date with somebody who understood?

I see my surgeon in a week and am looking forward to his answers. I have yet to be able to flex past ninety degrees and get the same pinching sensation as I did pre-op. I hope that I don't have an effusion or something of the sort in my hip. Although I wouldn't put it past me to get an effusion since I know I have, plain and simple, been doing too much. My other hip has decided to start acting up as well. I have groin pain at rest and sometimes some catching in this side. I pray that it is compensation! I will also bring this up at my follow-up. Sometimes, dealing with this takes every inch of courage and will to persevere. Currently, I am exhausted. How much more can I give? I am barely staying afloat in the ocean of life right now. I need a lifeboat.

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