Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Yes, this is where I am.  I have to say that I am extremely thankful for having completed my surgery rotation, that was the least fun I've had in medical school to date (well, boards are right up there, but you get the idea). I am thankful that I am able to do my medical school, albeit, with physical difficulty, but I am still getting up every morning, driving to the hospital and do what I need done.  Yes I hurt, but I can't let this stop me.  I know it's not normal for somebody less than 30 years of age to be throbbing by noon time, or have hip pain while going over every bump while driving, but there are a lot of things for which I can be thankful.

I have 10 days before my appointment with a new surgeon.  I am basically freaked out...maybe I'll ask for a Xanax the day before from the residents! (hehehe) --I won't actually do this!  I feel like I'm stuck: darned if I do and darned if I don't.  I realize my pain is abnormal, but if I do find out what is wrong, that may mean more surgery.  Surgery that cannot fit into my life right now.  I have hurt this badly in the past and I have tried to get it fixed, and look how wonderful that turned out for me.  It makes me very weary about seeing yet another surgeon.  Every single doctor I have seen for my hips ends up saying that they can't help me.  What makes this one any different?  I shouldn't be so skeptical, but I can't help it.  With so many failures over the last 7 years, how can I trust that things are going to get better?  I have to, or else I will end up going crazy...it's just amazingly difficult.

So next Thursday I will have my appointment with a local surgeon.  I am basically going there for some direction, for some pain relief.  I have ended up with no doctor willing to write me a single script for pain or inflammation.  This is my main reason (in addition to the fact that I'd like to know what is going on with my hip and to get a fresh set of eyes on my case).  In any event, I'm nervous.

Half Way

I am officially half way through my general surgery rotation, and, as previously mentioned, it is a huge struggle.  The pain is most distracting.  I stand there wishing I could just sit down.  I really do think that something is wrong.  I have been very patient and hoping for some healing and relief with time, but this does not seem to be working.  When I hurt 24/7 and need heating pad and muscle relaxants to sleep really makes me wonder what's up.  Is the dysplasia the culprit? Narrowed  joint space? Would I need more surgery? PAO? THR? What medications should I take? I have so many questions and no answers. 

For obvious reasons, I have made an appointment with a local orthopaedic surgeon who specializes in hip scopes, open hip surgeries, PAOs for some direction and help to figure out what I can do to help me get through life right now.  It is inappropriate to live in so much pain and simply be trying to struggle through life without any plan.  I need a plan of action to help reduce my pain levels so that I am less miserable.  I really believe that a fresh set of eyes on my case will help determine what the next step should be.  I am no looking for surgery at the moment, although realize it may be a possibility in the future.  I am just looking for an understanding of what could be wrong with my hip at this point in time. 

I am currently 10 months post op and have been very patient to see results from the surgery.  Given that I have had four previous hip scopes on this hip, I was told that I should see results from 6-12 months.  I  will give it longer than 12 months before I do anything drastic, but I need something to help me currently.  NSAIDs and ice is just no cutting it currently.  So, May 16th is the day I meet with another surgeon to discuss what's up and what we can do to make me less miserable.

God Bless Those Who Want To Be Surgeons.

...and pray for those who don't.

I have started another rotations at school and have survived a week of pure torture.  This surgery rotation is the worst possible rotation of which I could think.  Not only is is mentally challenging (which I don't really mind at all, I thoroughly enjoy thinking and learning), but physically, I am struggling to say the least.  I have been doing 12-14 hour days on my feet.  Something that is next to impossible with a sore left hip and a sprained right knee.  But I don't have a choice and must keep up.  Yesterday was particularly difficult as the case in which I was scrubbed, turned into a five hour surgery.  Imagine trying to stand for five hours when it normally hurts to stand for 5 minutes.  Needless to say, it was difficult and I really don't know how I did it. I am paying for it now, but this was absolutely expected.  I have no idea how I am going to be able to do three more weeks of this intense work schedule.  It is very tough for me.  I know that this type of work is difficult for everybody, but coming off of so many surgeries and still struggling makes it particularly hard to handle the physical demands of my rotation.  Please pray that I get through these next few weeks--I seriously need some divine intervention.

It would be unfair to try to give an update on the status of the hips as everything just darn hurts.  I really, really hurt and am struggling and don't want this post to turn into a poor-me discussion.  Thus, I won't elaborate.  Suffice it to say--I need some prayers for strength and perseverance.  Thanks!

One Day at a Time

I am trying to remain positive and am currently taking one day at a time.  This is easier at some times than others.  If I am honest, I am extremely happy that I have my right side pain free.  It is a dream and I am extremely thankful for the relief.  This has provided me with one side on which to stand for the majority of my day on my feet.  I try to sit when I can, but this is nearly impossible on the rotation that I am currently completing.  I try to count my blessings, I really do, but sometimes it is very difficult especially when one hip has constant pain and reduced ROM.  It seems that pain and hips decide on what I can and cannot do; which is annoying.  Having said this, I realize that there are many other people who have it a lot worse and I am not as bad as I was before (at least now that I have one decent hip).  God gave me so many blessings in my life and I need to be thankful and acknowledge them more often...especially here on my blog where I tend to vent my frustrations and fears. 

I have learned many things throughout my hip journey.  I have met amazing people and realized who will support me and encourage me through thick and thin.  I am blessed.  Also because of my hips, I have chosen a completely different field of medicine than what I had originally planned before all the surgeries last year.  I think that because of my hips, I will be better in my field and be a better physician.  I understand the chronicity of pain and the social, mental, emotional, and physical tolls it takes on an individual.  Pain is so multifaceted that it is hard to empathize with patients dealing with chronic pain if you haven't experienced it.  I am thankful for the guidance the Lord has given me on choosing my career and will definitely do the best with what I have been given.  Bum hip and all!

Calmed Down A Bit

Yeah, I've calmed down some since writing my last post.  I truly believe that I need to get my act together and become more positive.  Everybody keeps telling me how positive I am during the last phase of my life, though deep down (and apparently on my blog) I am a Debbie Downer.  I need to get my act together and become more positive and focus on the great things in life.  I am truly blessed in life.  I have my health (except for my orthopaedic issues), I have an amazing family, I am doing what I want in life and will have an amazing career of my dreams when I am done with school.  These are things that I must be thankful for and not forget that I have them. It is too easy to focus on the chronic pain, the things I can't do, the things decisions I have to make all because of my hips.  They truly do impact life and make me who I am, but they should not take over and make me miserable.  Although I have to acknowledge that I have this pain and may have to do something about it in the future, I have to realize I have an amazing support system.  All family and virtual friends have been amazing through this journey.  I will most certainly keep the friendships I have made through this journey for the rest of my life.  I am blessed (even blessed with bad hips!).

I am contemplating going to see a pain management doctor or a sports medicine doctor who may be able to prescribe me some medications that would help me get through my day.  I would be grateful for a way to get through my day (or the majority of it) without hurting.  I am usually throbbing my noon whilst on Voltaren.  We will see what I decide.  I am doing a physiatry rotation beginning next week and may ask the doctor for a recommendation for a doctor that may be able to help me.

Dumped

Yes, I've essentially been dumped by my surgeon and his team.  Unfortunately, despite having continued pain, I was told today that they would only give me 30 more pills of Voltaren and then would have to go on a "drug holiday" Yes, you read it correctly, a freaking "drug holiday" from anti-inflammatories despite being completely asymptomatic and taking a PPI.  I fail to understand the logic as they are currently the only doctors I see in the US!  My current family doctor is here at home refuses to prescribe me any medications for my hip as he is "not managing it."  My hip surgeon's team keeps telling me to "hang in there and things will get better" while I am barely managing through the day on my anti-inflammatory, and now they want me to wean off and not take anything despite me continuing to hurt.  I'm confused.  It isn't like I am asking for a narcotic of any sort.

So, I am left in limbo, with a family doctor who won't prescribe me anything for my hip and a hip surgeon (PA actually) who won't give me any more medications.  I'm peeved to say the least.  I suppose I need to find a family doctor or a sports med doctor or a pain management doctor who would be willing to work with me to get me the correct medications to help me get through medical school on my feet with a hip that is less than ideal.

2 Weeks Into School Again -___-

I still can't believe the fact that I am back on rotations and being on my feet.  Nobody at the place even cares that I have been off...they are all too busy and we all have way to much to do to.  I realize that nobody really cares, but me having to sit when I can and hanging on the countertops really does stink. In all honesty it is horrendous on my hip that I had done in June.  I am throbbing by noon.  I hate to complain, but wow oh wow, returning back to life as a medical student isn't all laughs and giggles.  I had anticipated this would be difficult, but did not expect it to be so painful.

The pain actually has me slightly worried.  I am currently on Diclofenac (Voltaren) and it works alright but, as mentioned, can't make it past noon.  And evenings really hurt.  Like almost-need-a-pain-med hurt.  A friend gave me some of their left over Vicodin (shhh) so I take a half a pill sometimes.  I wonder how much pain would be normal at this point? I was told that I should see improvements within the next 3 months.  I have a LOT of healing to do to be considered a successful surgery.  Dare I even consider another surgery? It makes me nauseous thinking of the possibilities.

On the other hand, my psoas has started firing more easily and getting in and out of the car and I can almost get my socks on normally.  Not quite, but alllllmost there! And my bursitis is settling down.  So those small improvements have to be focused on and celebrated.